awake

seven days into june. it’s already almost the end. we are more than half way now, more than half way to another beginning, something some are waiting for and others are resisting. i’m in neither camp. this is my beginning, this midway point. I lived half of my twenty ninth year, i have half way to go. i think i was sleeping the first half. sleeping, sometimes dreaming. sometimes blissfully dreaming; like when you told me you loved me, like when i got $10,000. from a stranger. like when the sunset was red just as i felt it was while i was wiping your tears. like when we sang don’t let me down and everyone promised they wouldn’t.

a lot of good dreams, a lot of hardships too. a tired body, even after sleeping. confusing sleeps where there is no control and i am in pain. a lot of pain. when i have a hard time believing i am young and able any longer. pain from lost hope, from failure to recognise, from moving too fast.

i quit and i start again. i sleep and i wake up, and now i am here writing to you after saying i wouldn’t. a habit i need to break is the way i siphon myself off from a way of being just because i am not perfect. how inelegant. to be not perfect and to say it, to try to be perfect and crumble at it. how inelegant. i am laying on my satin sheets and my room is a mess and i just had take out sushi and a cry at the river. but my nails are shiny and im wearing a long beautiful skirt and my summer skin is settling in. how inelegant. i haven’t written in a while, so i’m writing now. it’s gross and it eats at me, both the not writing and the writing, my lack of discipline and my lack of commitment to what i claim as my craft. Saturn strikes me now and god i promise i’ll listen. I’m half way to twenty nine. I’m Awake—

I’m awake. Today, I spoke with a certainty that made a man over six feet tall quiver. Today, I threw the flower at the Sun. Today, I am writing because my body is telling me to, instead of my mind not letting me because it said it wouldn’t. Today, I bleed and it makes everything feel like its falling apart and I’m trying to be okay with that.

I’m awake, I said. I won’t claim anything anymore unless it’s done. I’m awake, believing in my power. I’m awake, witnessing my mind bend into a new perspective that may beget some loss and some dislike, but bring me back to my integrity. It will keep me honest.

I’m awake to follow through and to love passionately and to laugh and to be held. I’ve tasted those things enough to not be selfless enough to let them go. I said I’ll be honest. So I’ll be honest. I like to write and I like to feel beautiful. I like being held and feeling seen and I like when people listen. I like to listen too, and to hold and to encourage. I like to dance and I like to drink red drinks at red tables in a red dress for the sake of a cohesiveness, even if its for that and for that only. I’m awake and I’m alive and I am half way through my twenty ninth year, in the middle of another beginning. A beginning where I ask myself what I need and I trust those needs. A beginning where I do not punish myself for not fitting an image or hitting a number, a beginning where my voice is strong. I am in the middle of a beginning, a pursuit I will not hold then end accountable. Don’t ask me what I’m doing because outside of living, I couldn’t really tell you, so let that be enough